tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC April 27, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
patel, thanks for joining us. >> have a good night. see you >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- julia louis-dreyfus, kevin nealon, cousin sal does funny things, and music from yo gotti. and now, if you don't mind, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody, i'm the host. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. i'm glad you're here. i'm glad i'm here. i will say i'm glad everyone is here. did you know we almost got hit by an asteroid today? true. a 2,000-foot asteroid came within 1 million miles of earth. 1 million miles sounds far but it's the closest this particular asteroid has
been to our planet in 400 years. that's the one that almost got us. that son of a bitch. look at it, it's enormous. 2,000 feet. just to give you an idea, that's about seven football fields. it's the only way i know how to measure anything is how many football fields. show of hands, who would be okay with an asteroid hitting us right now? at this point it would be -- no? at the white house today president trump hosted the super bowl champion new england patriots. you know they were lucky to catch the president. it's wednesday. usually he's on his way to the mar-a-lago for the weekend. [ laughter ] they did show up. not only did the players meet with the president, one of them made a surprise appearance at sean spicer's daily press briefing. >> he said that on nafta he wants very big changes. are we going to get rid of it once and for all? are we at that point? like very big changes -- >> i think we'll see what pans out in the negotiation. think there's an option -- can i just -- >> need some help?
>> i think i got this, but thank you. all right, thanks, man. i'll see you in a minute. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: in case you don't know, that was rob gronkowski asking if spicer needs help. he should have said yes. i don't think i've ever seen a person more in need of help than sean spicer. [ laughter ] several players chose to skip the white house field trip. quarterback tom brady said he had personal family matters to deal with, which means he stayed home to watch "family matters." [ laughter ] that had to be a disappointment for donald trump. he has such a crush on tom brady. he loves tom brady more than -- i was going to say melania but it's even keeper than that. donald trump loves tom brady almost as much as he loves himself. he's absolutely in love with him. trump paid tribute to coach bill belichick today. when he did we slowed him down to half speed so you can really savor it. this is tonight's edition of "drunk donald trump." [ tape playing slowly ]
>> and then the coach said, let's go for three. he's losing by so much. he said, let's go for three. and they say, what is he doing? that was a great decision. i tell him that all the time. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, no doubt that you do. by the way, this is an interesting pair of photos. this is the patriots turnout for president obama in 2015. and this is the patriots turnout for trump. [ laughter ] one more time just to make sure it's not fake news. that's for obama. this is the one for trump. [ cheers and applause ] from a football team to a bowling team. here's a comparison i'm sure the president likes. after all is said and done trump set a record for the most money raised for an inauguration. he raised $107 million, more
than double what obama raised for his first inauguration. 107 is a lot of million dollars. why could they only book 3 doors down? with that kind of money you could afford so many more doors down, right? [ laughter ] he raised the money through donations from companies and wealthy individuals including $5 million from billionaire sheldon adelson, $4 million from someone who just goes by initials, this is interesting. kgb. i don't know who it is. [ laughter ] you think it could be kobe bryant? anyway. it could be anyone. $107 million seems like a lot of money to spend on an inauguration. but when you go through the expenses it makes sense. here's how it breaks down according to the white house. microphone $225. podium $650. $750,000 for all the limos and the security. plastic bag for president bush $2.50. mini bible to make trump's hands look big $57.
the helicopter to get rid of the obamas $257,000. $15,000 for melania's dress. $2,700 for her gloves. $20 million slovenian euros for melania herself. and they paid the piano guys with lunch, just a few dollars there. trump's appearance fee, $85 million for him to speak for a total of $107 million, which adds up. that's the total. not really, we made a lot of that up. can i just tell you something? those are a -- a lot of those were jokes. [ laughter ] they were. i feel like we got busted. [ applause ] meanwhile, in north korea, i feel like i'm going to be saying that a lot over the coming months. in north korea, this is either comforting or ominous, i don't know which. see what you make of it. at the site where the north koreans are expected to test a nuclear missile, according to new images from our satellites, soldiers on the ground, instead of working frantically to get the test together, which is at
this point what you would expect, the troops, north korean troops, were seen playing volleyball. which can only mean north korea is planning to attack us with a volley bomb. and only tom brady can save us. [ laughter ] and where is he? [ cheers and applause ] it's all very scary. but this is -- this might be the greatest moment in the history of sports. this is from a tennis match in sarasota. a match that was interrupted for a very unusual reason. >> a deficit situation. well. [ woman moaning rhythmically ] that is -- the most bizarre situation. i still hear it. it's still going. [ woman moaning rhythmically ]
what is going on? >> it can't be that good! >> that's an apartment across the lake. oh my god. >> jimmy: people were having sex in an apartment across the lake. [ laughter ] and it bled into the -- and it seems crazy until you remember it happened in florida. then it's like, oh, all right. [ laughter ] [ applause ] it's family time now. from time to time we send cousin sal into the world to do things and one of the places he really thrives is my favorite store, costco. costco is very good about letting customers return things, with one notable exception, and that is when the person working the returns counter is my cousin sal. >> can i help you, sir? >> just returning these. they run one size too small. >> these are one size too small?
>> yeah, believe it or not. >> yeah, we can't really use these. >> why is that? what do you mean? >> we have a ton of these in the back. so we don't really need any more. >> you don't -- i can't return them? >> no. it's kind of -- >> i've never had that problem before. >> yeah, but you don't get upset, that's our policy. >> i'm not getting upset -- >> yeah, you are. >> i'm just wondering, i've always returned stuff, never had that problem before. >> yeah. so here you go. >> that's funny -- >> you see the sign, right? >> yeah. >> is there a problem with it? >> yeah, they don't fit. i just told you, they don't fit. >> i see. are you getting upset? >> no i'm just telling you. i'm getting upset about your attitude, the way you're saying it. >> how am i saying it? >> you get what you get -- >> i'm just reading the sign. >> i'm upset behave your because of your attitude.
>> if you worked here, how would you say it? >> you know what? >> no, no, no -- the thing is, i like you, i want to help you out. >> no, you know what? i'm beginning not to like you. because you are trying to push my buttons. >> i don't think so, i'm reading the sign. >> i think you are, you've got an attitude -- >> no, no, come here. i like you, i like you a lot. >> 20 bucks is not going to make me -- >> i like you a lot. you're getting upset. >> i'll come back another day. >> he got upset. come on. >> i hope i don't get upset. >> how are you doing? >> i'm doing good. >> i need to return these but i don't have my receipt. >> these are these rugs? >> yes. >> two of them. >> oh, yeah, this falls under you get what you get and don't get upset policy. >> what are you talking about? >> right there. there's a sign. you get what you get and you don't get upset. same thing happened to the last guy, he got upset. >> what are you talking about? >> what are you saying? >> if we have an item we have too much of, we reserve the
right to refuse that. >> can we get credit? >> no, because you got what you got. >> what? >> i'm sorry, i'm not explaining it right. you guys remember when you got what you got, right? >> yeah, we paid for it. we got what we got and we paid for it. >> you got what you got, now you don't get upset. >> we're not going to get upset. >> okay, good, i was worried. the last guy got upset. >> yeah, we seen that. >> he understood the whole first part of it and screwed up the second part. >> in other words we can't even get credit for it or what? >> and that's that. there's nothing we can do about it. >> what do you mean? >> it's our that's that policy. >> how much do we get for returning our rugs? that's all we want to know. >> oh, i forget what you get. don't get upset. >> are we going to be able to exchange these rugs? >> did they get wet? >> no, just -- don't match our decorations. >> oh, so you're all set. >> yeah. >> all right, i don't know, i
mean, i'm sorry, you're doing a great job of not getting upset. >> yeah. >> you're the nicest people i met. i only ask this because i'm out of rhymes, do you guys have a pet? i really do, i work for jimmy kimmel, he's right in there you want to say hi? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: they didn't get upset which is really nice. we have to take a break. when we come back, facebook is up to no good again. and bill o'reilly fired by fox news. who will replace him? find out when we return, we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ with unitedhealthcare, you can get rewarded for all kinds of things... like walking. hey, honey. dad, where's the car? thought we'd walk. he's counting steps. walk, move and earn money... goal! dad...
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>> jimmy: hello, welcome back. julia louis-dreyfus, kevin nealon is on the way. meanwhile another social media revolution is under way. facebook has revealed a whole new world. it's called facebook spaces. facebook spaces allows you to hang out with facebook friends in virtual reality, which is exciting. they say spaces will make virtual reality a social experience. a weird way to describe being alone wearing a headset in your bedroom. it is what it is. it's hard to explain. facebook put out a demo video today that gives you a pretty good sense of how this works. >> hi, jack. are you still afraid to leave your apartment? >> yep. take a look at this place i'll never go. >> it's amazing. i'd go too if i weren't collapsed on my couch in deep depression. melissa's calling me. melissa, check it out. this is the apartment i'll never invite you over to. >> cool. and here's a picture of the couch where i get naked and cry. >> gross. >> jack keeps calling. talk to you later. >> surprise!
>> surprise! >> you shouldn't have. >> we didn't. this is all fake. like this hat. >> say, i'm currently masturbating. >> i'm currently masturbating! >> facebook spaces. why did we do this? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. that's completely revolutionized me never leaving the house. back to real reality for a second. this is a desk cam video from estonia. everyone there has a dash cam. watch very closely here. a good samaritan gets out of his car to help an old lady cross the street which is nice. the man gets out of the vehicle to help but it doesn't seem like he necessarily set the parking brake or put it in park. so now the car is coming. and he tries to just stop it. but that's not happening. now the woman's going to keep going. the girl on the bike just takes a look and rides away. that's why you should never help anyone ever, okay?
[ laughter ] while we're on the subject of chivalry, fox news has shockingly parted ways with their most popular on-air personality. bill o'reilly was fired today. [ cheers and applause ] hold on. well, i'm guessing you don't work in hr, huh? as you probably know he was hit with multiple allegations of sexual harassment involving women who work at or around fox. even a woman who's the receptionist for the company had the office next to fox made a complaint about him. so he's on vacation. he's in italy right now. as of this morning fox was still deciding whether to fire him or not. so what did bill o'reilly do today while this was all going on? he met the pope. [ laughter ] for real. he went to the vatican and waited in the vip line. to meet the pope. should the pope have a vip line? [ laughter ] i thought we were all just -- how does that work?
is there a bouncer? i'm sorry. this line is for big-time sinners, you're going to have to go to the back. [ cheers and applause ] so anyway, fox news decided to extend bill's vacation to forever. of all the jobs president trump promised to create, you wouldn't think bill o'reilly's would have been one of them but it is. [ laughter ] o'reilly's out. tonight fox news released an exclusive preview of his soon to be replacement. [ speaking spanish ] >> jimmy: now let's get to the stories. president trump, so what, he plays golf, he needs to exercise in fresh air. he's fat! tom brady, why didn't he couldn't make to it the white house? is he gay? and mexicans. enough is enough. and i'm right, yes, i'm always right, so shut up. all this and sexy girls with no pants next on "the guillermo factory."
[ bleep ] i'll do it live, that's it, no more. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: no bueno, guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] hold on. let me make it clear. is it the factor? or the factory? >> guillermo: i think the factory. >> jimmy: factory? >> guillermo: yeah, factory. >> jimmy: we're going with factory, all right. we have a good show tonight. music from yo gotti, kevin nealon is here, and be right back with julia louis-dreyfus so please remain seated!
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how far would you go for coffee that's a cup above? i brought you nespresso. nespresso. what else? >> jimmy: hi, welcome back. tonight, from the show "man with a plan," one of the funniest men around. kevin nealon is here. then, his latest album is called "cm9 white friday," yo gotti from the mercedes-benz stage.
[ cheers and applause ] i think this is the right way. maybe it's like this. it could be like this. it actually looks like that asteroid that almost killed us today. tomorrow night, magic johnson will be here, gabourey sidibe will be with us, and we'll have music from dua lipa. so please join us then. [ applause ] our first guest tonight is a highly decorated and discreetly hyphenated television star of the highest order. her very funny show "veep" airs sunday nights on hbo. please welcome julia louis-dreyfus. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> thank you. whoo! yeah! >> jimmy: you do that every time you sit down, it's a weird thing at restaurants. >> well, for myself, of course.
>> jimmy: it's very good to see you. >> so glad to be here. >> jimmy: by the way, this is the greatest thing ever. i'm watching college basketball tournament, as i am known to do. >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: in the crowd, there you are. >> yes. couldn't keep me away, yes. >> jimmy: because your son's on the team. >> yes! >> jimmy: on northwestern. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] my son. go cats! yes. my younger son is a base -- a basketball player. [ laughter ] you know, the thing with the ball, you know what i mean? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> it has been a thrilling ride. for those of you who don't know, and like why don't you know? northwestern got into the tournament for the first time in the school's history. they got in this year. [ cheers and applause ] it took them 79 years, they got in. >> jimmy: not only did your son go there but you went to northwestern as well. >> yes, i did, and so did my husband. so it was particularly meaningful. >> jimmy: did you guys pressure
him to go to that school? >> god no. definitely not. >> jimmy: he was a walk-on on the basketball team. >> yes, he was. >> jimmy: yeah, i saw him doing interviews also in the locker room and whatever, he was very funny. >> thank you. oh, boy, he is going to ride that comment forever. yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you can tell all the other guys on the team think he's funny too. >> yeah, he's kind of a cut-up, yeah. >> jimmy: which is not necessarily what you want as a coach. but as a fellow player, it's very exciting. >> yes. >> jimmy: you were going nuts. >> yes. >> jimmy: did you know the camera would be on you so much? >> you need to understand something. i've got two children. all my life i've gone to every game, every concert, every everything. >> jimmy: i know that about you, that is true, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> i have to say that, you know, i'm watching them. i just do that. because you're the mom and you're doing that. and i don't think about how i look and i'm in my birkenstocks and i look like an idiot. you know. and then all of a sudden -- i realize. yeah. [ laughter ] by the way, that's me dressed up.
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: you and your husband brad. >> that's my husband brad. oh, yeah, i get very heated. there was a call that really pissed me off. >> jimmy: the goaltending call? >> yes, that was me screaming [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: is that happiness or rage? >> no, that was me doing cats, wildcats. they put me on the jumbotron. >> jimmy: i see. >> it was a very disconcerting thing to go to these things i love but to be thinking about how you look and you've got to sit up straight like i'm doing right now, i don't normally sit like this. i was trying to find people to blow my hair out in salt lake. you know? i've got to remember to bring mascara and all this stuff. it's not usually my thing. >> jimmy: wow. that's so good. >> it was really an exciting thing. >> jimmy: you have to do it again next year, you got a taste for it. >> go like this, i'm very superstitious. >> jimmy: are you really? you have to go with two hands? >> just keep doing it. >> jimmy: you know this is not really wood. it's some weird -- >> we're going to have to find wood, we need to find it now.
>> jimmy: also since the last time you were here you won more emmys. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how many emmys do you have now? don't be humble, give us the real number. >> i believe i have nine. >> jimmy: you have nine of them. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: at what point, which is amazing. >> yeah. >> jimmy: at what point do you like oprah take yourself out of the competition? you say, i have now enough emmys, it's starting to get ridiculous. >> you think i should do it? is that what you're implying? >> jimmy: at a certain point people are going to start to get angry, then you're going to have to -- you're going to have a problem. >> are you guys mad at me? [ audience: no ] >> jimmy: i don't mean them, i mean your competitors. >> oh, the competitors, sure, all right, i'll take myself out. >> jimmy: that's amazing. because i know that you actually broke the record, which was held by two of the greatest of all-time. candice bergen and mary tyler moore. [ cheers and applause ] >> i have to tell you a mary tyler moore story.
my whole life, like everybody, i adore mary tyler moore. i have this incredible opportunity to do -- i had met her but just like briefly, like just how do you do, so nice to meet you, that was the end of it. i had this opportunity to do a photo shoot with her. and i was the whole time working so hard to stay calm. because it's mary tyler moore. >> jimmy: yeah, i'm with you on that. >> right? >> jimmy: sure, absolutely. >> so i was trying to stay cool, stay cool, julia, keep your voice sort of low, you know. don't act like a fool. so we did this one setup where wear stood next to each other. really close together. and the photographer had us put our palms together like this. so we did. and as this happened, i could feel that i was going to start to cry uncontrollably. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> yeah. very awkward, right? >> jimmy: uh-huh, yeah. >> she's not in that -- anyway. so we're doing like this. and i can feel it. so i just close my eyes in the
prayer that maybe i could keep my tears from going down my cheeks if i just closed my eyes and they would puddle in there and not come out. and then i open my eyes and it was a flood and i became hysterical. and she looked at me and i could tell she thought i was like this unhinged actress. [ laughter ] and so it was kind of a bummer. >> jimmy: it didn't turn out well, she didn't hug you and say, oh, this is wonderful? >> no. i think i just came off like a nutjob. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: speaking of nutjobs. this is something i just discovered. i didn't know this had happened. i discovered this today. this is after the emmys. my wife and i posing for a picture, there's a nutjob jumping in the background with one of her -- [ applause ] >> the irony, right after this photo is taken i started to bawl uncontrollably. >> jimmy: wow, thank you, i appreciate a good cry. >> i was like so touched to be near you. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. the new season of "veep" which is off to a tremendous start.
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did you want to hang that? >> yeah. >> great. i just can't believe -- >> do you remember that night, junior year -- >> no. >> chardonnay on the quad after julia child day? >> i'm strictly a scotch girl and i always have been. i never really experimented -- um -- with chardonnay. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: julia louis-dreyfus in "veep." >> there's a fun story behind amy brennerman being cast. last year we had a scene in the show in which richard splat is having a conversation with another character, and richard is very, very sort of nervous. and so he starts talking about a movie he likes, "heat." and the two actors in "heat" being so fabulous, heavy hitters, de niro and brennaman, he says. for those who don't know, the real actor was pacino. but he says brennaman.
amy was a fan of the show and she tweets to us, i love the show, i'd love to be in it, maybe i could play selena's college roommate she experimented sexually with. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and that worked. >> yeah. and so then we thought, not a bad idea. maybe we go to smith college this season. maybe she should be the president, she was the old roommate, yeah maybe that will work. we hired her, paid her as an actress but didn't give her writing credit. [ laughter ] but she really did do it, she was awesome, awesome show. >> jimmy: suddenly every actor in hollywood will be tweeting ideas. that was it, though, you're never doing that again, correct? >> that is really it. i've gone off twitter too. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so i know there are a lot of people who are fans of the show. obviously people in very high positions. i know in politics are friends are the show. who's the biggest one of all, the most famous fan of "veep" that you have encountered? >> really? >> jimmy: number one? >> well, does barack obama count?
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he definitely counts. >> he's a big fan. but we had -- we've actually -- we talked to people on both sides of the aisle who have come -- we do a lot of research on the show, on our show we don't identify republican or democrat, which turned out to -- works very well, particularly now, because everything is so polarized. but as a result, both sides of the aisle dig the show. and we had mitt romney, believe it or not, a huge fan of the show. he and his wife ann romney. >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i can imagine him hearing the curse words -- >> i know, he's probably offended by that but he carries on. >> jimmy: chugging his milk and going to sleep, yeah. [ laughter ] >> we actually have the privilege of spending time. they came and talked to us at great length. it was really useful because we really wanted to talk to him about what it's like to lose. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that how you explained it in the phone call? >> that was the pitch. >> jimmy: "we want a loser here
we can really mine." >> "tell us about the worst moments of your life on the public stage." no, but he was very generous. and you know -- the thing about mitt romney i should say, he is very dedicated to his family. he has a life well beyond politics which of course selena myer does not. but he said a lot of really interesting things. including, i asked him about that 47% moment. you know? >> jimmy: oh, yeah, when he said the country is -- yeah, we're supporting 47% of the population or something like that. >> something like that. and he got into a lot of trouble for it. it was during the campaign. i was asking him, how did that happen, how did he recover, et cetera, et cetera. he said, the truth when is you're running, if you're explaining, you're losing. and i thought, oh, that's such a great expression. we put it in the show. >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah. >> jimmy: another uncredited writer on the show. [ laughter ] union violations are really starting to pile up. >> true. >> jimmy: you should give mitt and amy one of your emmys, you've got too many of them anyhow. >> all right, i will.
>> jimmy: the show is fantastic. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: congratulations, you've done it again. "veep" sunday nights on hbo. julia louis-dreyfus! be right back with kevin nealon. welcome to maxx you. you are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. we see what makes you unique. so we have something for everyone, at a price that's just right for you. maxx you. maxx life. t.j.maxx
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>> jimmy: welcome back. still to come, music from yo gotti. our next guest is an unusually large and funny man. his show "man with a plan" alongside matt leblanc airs mondays on cbs, please welcome kevin nealon. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: it's very good to see you, how are you doing? >> jimmy, thank you for asking me that. life is pretty good. >> jimmy: it is good. >> in here it's good. outside, scary. >> jimmy: why is it scary? what is scaring you right now? >> i think we live in a frightening world. i hate to start off on a note like this. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> since you're steering it that way. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. >> no, we just live in a frightening world. i actually signed up for something that i think will give me peace of mind.
listen to this. you have a minute? >> jimmy: yeah. >> okay. [ laughter ] in the event that north korea shoots a nuclear weapon toward the u.s., i will receive a google alert. [ laughter ] i will get a google alert. to let me know that it's on its way. so i feel like i have some kind of control. you know what i mean? >> jimmy: yeah, i guess. then you will do what? will you flee? >> i will notify other people. >> jimmy: notify other people. >> and then -- then we'll wait. just wait. >> jimmy: okay. >> and see. i assume we'll have something to take it out of the sky. >> jimmy: would you mind texting me if that happens too? i'd like to be on your list. >> i'm going to twitter it. >> jimmy: tweet it and i will follow you. you look very -- you never really age. you're like a spongebob squarepants in that way. you always look the same. >> i often get mistaken for spongebob squarepants. >> jimmy: what is your secret? do tell, kevin. >> well, thank you, first of all. >> jimmy: you're welcome. >> i would say the same for you if i could.
[ laughter ] sure, sure. no, you look fantastic, by the way. >> jimmy: thank you. >> you do. >> jimmy: thanks. >> stay away from salt, i think that's the thing. >> jimmy: salt, really? >> that kind of makes you puffy. >> jimmy: do you think? does it? >> not me, but you. [ laughter ] i'm sorry. >> jimmy: you're right, i do eat a lot of salt. >> you know what, i asked carl reiner once, he's 95, or 93. and i said, what's it like being at this age? what does it feel like? he goes, you got to stay away from salt. and i love popcorn. i love to eat popcorn. you ever been at somebody's house eating popcorn and start wondering if the popcorn bowl is also their throw-up bowl? [ laughter ] because it is at our house. [ laughter ] yes, it is. >> jimmy: it is at my house too. >> just like a -- >> jimmy: 100%. >> a lot of the cereal bowls as well. if you come to our house for breakfast, i would suggest the eggs. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is very true.
>> yeah. >> jimmy: my daughter was sick last week and sure enough, the popcorn bowl. never crossed my mind that maybe that's not acceptable. what are we supposed to do, have a designated bowl for vomit? i don't think so. >> i would suggest taking the popcorn out of the bowl first, though. because it makes it soggy. >> jimmy: that's a very good suggestion. >> i'm also a vegetarian. >> jimmy: yes. are you a vegetarian or vegan? >> i'm not even really a vegetarian. occasionally -- no, no. most of the time i am. but occasionally i will have fish. but it's got to be a specific fish. you know, it's got to be wild salmon. >> jimmy: oh. >> it's got to be caught in the big river in montana. and it's got to be bear caught. caught by a bear. >> jimmy: caught by a bear, oh. >> yeah. well, you say maybe that's great but how do you get the fish out of the bear's mouth? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> that's a fair enough question. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> what i do, jimmy, i will sneak up behind the bear. and i will tickle the bear under the arms. the bear laughs. i grab the fish.
hightail it home. it's bear to table fish. >> jimmy: oh, wow. that's amazing. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> jimmy: i don't think there are salmon in montana. >> yes. >> jimmy: so it's especially amazing. >> it's the best salmon, actually. it's atlantic salmon. from montana. >> jimmy: do you work out? on a workout schedule? >> again, thank you, jimmy. [ laughter ] no, i don't really work out anymore. i walk a lot. i hike. i try to get steps. i have a fit bit. >> jimmy: you do. >> i finally got one of these things. last week i went horseback riding, i got 195,000 steps in a half hour. yeah. i took the rest of the week off. i didn't have to weigh in, i just sat in the chair like this. >> jimmy: so it's definitely working. i think your parents, they also are very youthful. is it like a -- >> my parents are 15. yeah. >> jimmy: that was surprising to me also. yeah. >> i do have good genes, i think. and my mother sounds very young on the phone too. if you were talking to her you'd think she was in her 30s or 40s. >> jimmy: i wonder why that is. >> at&t. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's a service?
>> they have a service, yeah. you know, i've always wondered that. in fact, i did one of those genetic things. you can send away, 23 and me. >> jimmy: i've done that, yeah. >> you have, yeah. it's interesting, isn't it? >> jimmy: it is, yeah. >> so i wanted to find out about my ancestors and genetics. and maybe possible diseases i might get. and people swear by this particular company. they do these testimonies. i saw one guy get on. he goes, you know what? i've got to be honest with you, i thought that we were, my family, were all from norway. that part of the world. but turns out we're 100% black. [ laughter ] 100% black. >> jimmy: no, that surprised them? >> yeah. >> jimmy: did you have any surprises in yours? >> it's $90, first of all, for the whole thing. and i was very excited to get it. and i waited. and it finally came in the mail. i went out to the mailbox to get it. what happens is it comes in a little vial like a test tube, you put saliva in there, you spit in there seal it, send
it back. five weeks later they tell you all about your ancestors. so i'm going out to the mailbox to get it, so excited. i'm going to drop it off. i notice somebody had spit on my car windshield on the way out. i was livid, you know how i get. >> jimmy: nobody gets crazier about their windshield than you. >> i thought, who would spit on my windshield? who would have the audacity to do that? i thought, for $90 i'm going to find out. [ laughter ] i'm going to find out. so what i did was, i open up the vial, the little test tube, i collected the spit off the windshield, rubber gloves. i put it in there. seal it, sent it away. and i waited. i waited almost five weeks. and i was going to -- whoever did that i was going to kill. i was going to kill him and his ancestors, his whole family, everybody. it finally came back, they e-mail it to you. it turns out it was bird crap. [ laughter ] but they found out the bird crap originated from a seagull. from the lower part of the seagull.
specifically the butt. and they went even further to tell me that the crap was 80% crab meat. and 20% garbage from the dumpster. >> jimmy: unbelievable. >> unbelievable. >> jimmy: it's incredible what these scientists know. >> unbelievable. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the show is "man with a plan." it's monday nights, 8:30 on cbs. and you can see kevin live and in person. this is quite a gig you got. may 5th, cinco de mayo at the kennedy center in washington, d.c. thank you, kevin nealon, everybody. be right back with yo gotti! >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: thanks to julia louis-dreyfus, kevin nielson, apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next. here with the song "they like" with a little help from yfn lucci, yo gotti!
♪ yeah, jimmy kimmel you live ♪ this is how we going to do it tonight ♪ ♪ ay you like in the check don't it don't it she like when we say it's stoney yeah ♪ ♪ she like yeah yeah yeah she like yeah yeah yeah we like in the check don't it ♪ ♪ let me spend a check on it i call v-v-s don't it yeah they like yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ they like yeah yeah yeah talkin' 'bout a he ain't never gon' win told i like her ♪ ♪ and her girlfriend told that i want her and her twin sister then i her with my chains ♪ ♪ on and my pistol i'm a dope boy i be ballin' i got dope money ♪ ♪ in my balmains i feel like
scarface damn her too big i think they all fake ♪ ♪ never knew i'm gon' be like that truck got the big b on that chain got to seal g ♪ ♪ on that price high we can't eat like that you can't eat like that we ain't liked you ♪ ♪ we never did can't knock her 'fore i get no bricks shawty thick i just want some ♪ ♪ ay you like in the check don't it v.v.s don't it she like when we say it's stoney yeah ♪ ♪ she like yeah yeah yeah she like yeah yeah yeah we like in the check don't it ♪ ♪ let me spend a check on it i call v.v.s. don't it yeah they like yeah yeah yeah they like yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ she like real she don't do lames sun ford prayin' for it ♪ ♪ in that mulsanne she got gang babe we call her wu-tang her weave killer ♪
♪ call me 2 chainz land on your boy you too lame i been bustin' outta ♪ like a ♪ she text me she ain't i'm thinkin' who ain't came through ♪ ♪ purse on deck rollie on set him upset him obsessed we in no stress ♪ ♪ we be up checks we ain't doin' nothin' you like in the check ♪ ♪ don't it v-v-s don't it she like when we say it's stoney yeah she like yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ she like yeah yeah yeah we like in the check don't it let me spend a check on it ♪ ♪ i call v-v-s don't it yeah they like yeah yeah yeah they like yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ ♪ hey she like yeah yeah yeah yeah she like yeah yeah oh ♪ jimmy kimmel! give it up! ♪ hey she like yeah yeah yeah
this is "nightline." >> tonight, grading trump. on the eve of president trump's first 100 days, we're deep in the battleground state of pennsylvania. >> right now c-minus. >> from the shuttered steel mills to coal country this critical constituency speaking out. >> i believe he cares about america's middle class and the poor. >> we asked the current and future voters of america, how's he doing? >> i think he's doing very good. i am heath ledger. >> we need to go on a mission right now. will you come with me? >> nearly a decade after his death, the "brokeback mountain" star offering an intimate glimpse into his private world. >> first day on the paycheck for me, i'm looking forward to it. >> his struggle and what